Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Diary of a Jack of all Trades

19 November 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

    That my station is at the kitchen,That my niche is by the laundry basket,That my place is by the maternity ward,That I’m resigned to That you can be so ungratefulThat when I go toil for you That you sit by all day complainingAdding to my frustrations Toil? You that can’t even bring oil home,You whose pockets are inaccessible like treasured lockets Do you understand toil?Toil is scrubbing the trousers you soilAfter you spoil binging cheap liquor Hush! You thankless being,That does not...

09 November 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

My neighbor has moved Even the fury of El Nino couldn’t keep him groovedHe was seen literally fleeing to harm;His thin mattress squeezed under his heavy armMy neighbor was mean,He swiftly changed lasses, the way I naughtily rushed my soap,He couldn’t lend me even one for cuddles;Even when they trooped in doubles, My neighbor used to flaunt his Johnny Bravo box,In just a towel, he used to step outside his door to stretch his muscles, like a cox surveying the docks,The females in the plot could...

02 November 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Somebody recently asked me why I was pulling a Mourinho.Startled I ask what he meant."Si unapost once a month venye Mourinho anawin once a month"Okay nobody asked me that. I couldn’t just resist taking a swipe at the other one. (Ooops, sorry again)So a story found itself in my email. No sender. No return address. Just a story. Waiting to be read. Ladies and gentleman,  Me, Silence, You..........###############The text message was very brief, but still long enough to expose subtle hints of what...

07 September 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I don’t know why I am thinking about death. Actually I have been thinking about death a lot of late. Maybe I am just idle. Maybe quarter life crisis just descended or maybe I’m suddenly getting philosophical. You never know maybe I was sitting on my calling all along. Talking about condoms and pregnant women instead of being a deep thinker. Providing thought provoking solutions to questions like: Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Maybe it has something to do with the high number of people...

18 June 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Barack Obama Snr. Maseno Old Boys are Jonyathi.I never wanted to go to Maseno School. I felt it was beneath a man of my stature. I felt that I should have gone to Starehe Boys’ Center or at the very least, Alliance High School. But Maseno? I only selected it because the school head teacher insisted that the second choice of national school must be a school from our region. I immediately forgot about that choice. It’s not like I was going to miss Starehe Boys’ Center, my first choice, anyway....

27 May 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I don’t own a television set. It’s not something I’m planning to buy soon. (Sorry Njeri. I hope it doesn’t ruin our plans.) I swear it has nothing to do with Baba losing the 2013 elections and thus associating TV with disappointment. See, thing is I do not have time to watch television. I do not spend my day looking forward to receiving words of wisdom from self-made armchair analysts like Miguna Miguna, Tony Gachoka and company spewing fresh insights on what UhuRuto will do next or what ‘THE’...

27 April 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I have never loved Migori Town. It’s a town that reminds me of my epic failure. And for a half cast Luo between a pure Luo father and a purer Luo mother, failure isn’t one of the things that you like thrown at your face.River Kuja particularly is a scene that evokes funny sadness in me. You know that sad thing that you just can’t stop laughing at? The year was 2008- my final year in the Bakora Hockey Team. We had cruised to the semifinals of the Provincial Hockey Championships thumping teams...

07 April 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Editor's Note: So Adesh was here. With a deep poem for some random guy. I just hope she's stroking her creative side and not actually being romantic.  Why Do I still Love You?By Adesh The relationship lasted barely a year I long for those days when you would walk me home in the evenings, calling me all the doll namesWho didn’t know I was taken?Fighting with mama, as I thought she was being meanSunday afternoons were our me-you timesThe laughers stopped pouring out the moment I gave you my...

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04 March 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

It is a few minutes to midnight as I write this. I am in a suite at THE Vic Hotel, Kisumu writing an article on the controversial issue of providing condoms for kids for my space in the Rural Reporters. You just have to notice the definite article THE. THE VIC Hotel. THE sun. The moon. The White House. It’s like there can only be one Vic Hotel.  Like god saw that Kisumu was void and without form and dropped THE VIC hotel from the sky.Actually, it deserves the THE. It has those rooms that Villa...

11 February 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Editor's Note:He's back. You know who. Ladies and gentleman, I give you, 'Will You Be My Valentine?' by Mr. Kerre D'yesan.Wait, he would be really mad if I didn't mention that his alma mater, the Chavakali Boys High School was at State House the other day.#########################Will You Be My Valentine The woman in front of me touches the conductor for the second time. Although the riddim mix by DJ Lyta is loud, I manage to get what she's asking. She is new on this route and is afraid "...

09 February 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

So the love week is finally here with us. It’s difficult not to notice, not with the town painted red and sublime reminders from yours truly that this time Valentine's falls on a weekend. She knows you have a calendar and can of course find out that by yourself. The message here is twofold. You can’t claim to be busy building the nation and it would be in your burgeoning love’s best interest to make early reservations for two at a fancy establishment outside Nairobi. It won’t matter if you’ll...

28 January 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Editors Note:You guys remember Mr Kerre D'yesan, right? Yes, the sex god. Yes, the guy famous for not closing the door, especially when he's doing his stuff. Yes, that guy who as of December 2014 was still operating a worn out Nokia something something series.  (Those that only have the flashlight as a feature to brag about). Yes, that guy whose bffs are maize flour, ingokho, kamataho, kamaturu and nini. Yes, that guy who did that piece on Sports Pesa.  And apparently he studies engineering now...

27 January 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

                                                                                                                                                                I’ve always had a problem with Kenyan music. I’ve never understood why a song would hit just because somebody doesn’t want to move two centimeters away or just because ‘wanavuka boda’. Maybe am just an old young man who think good music is restricted to country music or Zilizopendwa.   I know I can’t sing to save my life. That’s a slight...

21 January 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Look at this beautiful lady. Look at her again. Look at her heels. Then go back to her smile. Do you recognize her? I know you do. She's the reason why one percent of Kenyans are smiling all the way to the bank. She's also the reason why most Vultures are deep in debt.  Today's Guest Post is by Mr Kerre D'yesan. He's a blood brother. By blood I mean we took a blood oath one night at San Siro, the official Vulture's Stadium presided over by Shehe Kitivo. Kerre loves ugali, hockey and hot mamas...

13 January 2015 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I know it's been long since I last wrote. It won’t ever be that long again. Stop laughing.  I know I've used that phrase a couple of times here before. In the words of Kajuju my nursing supervisor during my first attachment at Mama Lucy Kibaki Hospital, yafaa nitoe cobwebs hapa. This was her favourite phrase for encouraging women not to let their reproductive systems lie fallow.          'Wewe bado ni msichana mdogo na umeeka cobwebs zimemea hapo chini. Eka IUCD     (Intrauterine Contraceptive...

24 December 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Today would have been our anniversaryYet, here I stand-  your adversarySix months ago, you issued your travel advisoryBanning me from ever touring your stunning geography Today, a year ago, I met youYou were the only thing beautiful about that sunny day,You were the perfect Christmas gift; funny, simple, large, and warm Today I was by your Facebook wall, Hoping to climb in like I used to mount your windowYou looked more enchanting than ever, Ur lips sweet red as ever;  I see you have remained...

17 December 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

It's a hot Friday afternoon in Oyugis Town. My soon to be ex-girlfriend, her future ex-boyfriend and I are sitting on the edge of the bed. The air is loose and uneasy. It's that kind of feeling you have when a beautiful lady walks into a lift and finds when someone has ‘spoilt’ the air and left.  You are torn whether to assume she can't feel the stench or to open up and say it wasn't you. So you steal glances and smile sheepishly when caught.The friend and the soon to be ex-girlfriend must...

25 November 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

It’s a few minutes past midnight. Not that you can tell from the flurry of activities going on in the sin city. The city is so full of life; night nurses fighting for the strategic parts of the streets, street families hurdling together to fight the biting cold, alcoholics dragging themselves to yet another bar, while the true champions of the night lurk in dark alleys waiting for prey. Meanwhile miraa and muguka sellers proudly display their wares for their unending customers.He's never known...

24 November 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

She wasn't the most beautiful bride the kingdom had ever set their eyes on. If superficial beauty was the only criteria used to get grooms then she would have died a lonely old maid. That's not to take anything from her. Mama Mboga actually had a shouting figure consisting of a prominent sitting area and giant milk makers. She had an inner beauty and radiated so much warmth. Perhaps that's why she was getting married to the second most powerful man and heir apparent to the Vultures’...

17 November 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

A long long time ago, before Juma James became my congressman, before captain Omsakhulu realized polythene bags are not shoes, before Klein Baroson discovered Mama Mboga, before Mabangi realized that cannabis Sativa is man's best friend, before Dabuz went to play professional hockey in Moshi and started curling his hair, before Mwas realized why it's important to knock before entering, even before Mnyama Jnr met Pumpum the love of his life, there lived a man. The man was named T Tolo...

17 November 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

The days were getting long and monotonous, the nights stale and loudly silent. Lord Rungu was increasingly getting impatient and frustrated, easily irritable and devoid of life. His wives and concubines had been stung by the famous Rungu poison and were heavy carrying little Rungus and thus unable to satisfy the kings insatiable appetite. His warriors, afraid the king would take notice of their sisters and wives sent them to relatives in faraway villages. The great ‘famine’ of 013 AR (...

05 November 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

Karatina Town is like a bachelor's bed sitter; small but not crammed, not fancy yet adequate, packed  but still ample. Like a bachelor's house she has all the essentials of life, a post office, a supermarket, fresh farm produce, petrol station. All these are closely hurdled, as though almost kissing each other. Karatina doesn't notice when we get in, maybe like a shrewd spinster she's trying to get our attention by ignoring us. It doesn't matter, we are not here for her, we are here to pick...

28 October 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I recently met this Kamba lady at a meeting. To quote Shakespeare, “...she was fair and fairer than the word”. She had on her pink flowing dress that rolled gracefully accentuating her screaming figure. She was perfect. She had a slight Masaku accent that made her nibble her words. But that didn’t dent her ethereal beauty nor make me desire her less. She must have been using those Eastleigh perfumes where one spray is enough for all in the room. But it wasn’t toxic or choking, it made her smell...

15 October 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

He stands there towering above other mere men, water gushing from his feet, his trademark African hat and whisk unmistakable; the slight blimp on his belly, clearly visible. His presence is loud, ubiquitous and unignorable. Though not drawing of breath, he is everything but lifeless. Around him ducks swirl, men and women seduce each other, others backbite, others plan major heists and yet others just stare into their clueless immediate future. Friends who haven't met for a long time warmly...

09 October 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

I consider myself a rich man; A very rich man. I know some petty thieves are already making grand plans in their heads to rob me. So let me save you and I all that trouble. I didn’t mean that kind of richness. I am one of those guys who believe that a man’s richness isn’t determined by the number of ATM cards or buildings in his name. A man’s worth should be measured in two things; his word and his friends. A man who has the solid support of people who can help him whenever need arises, is in...

29 September 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

The cold silver cuffs close in with certainty. The grin on Baba Sharon’s face is unmistakable. Talk of a man performing his duty with relish and gusto. Just to make sure I'm aware who the boss is, he tightens the cuffs further. It seems my grimacing face will make his day. It’s now clear that he means business. The women and children playing rounders’ stop for awhile to stare at the spectacle unfolding right in front of their eyes. The sight of a grown ass man being lifted by the trouser will...

19 September 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

By now you might have heard the rumors that I made a big dollar move across the city rivals. I don’t know why this didn’t make news. I don’t know why Sky sports, the Sun, BBC Sports ,Goal.com and other members of the international press did not splash the news of my mega move. Come on people, I made a move, from KU Vultures to Thika Rovers Hockey Club. You can’t say it wasn’t announced. Thika Rovers announced it on their WhatsApp group. What is wrong with you? Didn’t you report it when Van...

17 September 2014 » Diary of a Jack of all Trades

You hate meYou would never date meEven if I were a golden plateYour loath is strongAll I do is wrongAs if am poking you with a red hot tongBut you are just a maleAs irrelevant as a P.O BOX mailYou’ll never bail my tail; just waiting to hail my failYou are not keyYou are just but theeLike a desert priding in a quayI may not be without defectIn fact am imperfectVery far from the finished projectBut She'll love me like a doveThey’ll treasure me like a cloveEven if aside you shove me like a...

Diary of a Jack of all Trades

» Diary of a Jack of all Trades

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